Shia LeBeouf, star of Transformers (opening this week!) is this week’s HUNK. I know he’s done all sorts of crazy things like drunk driving and getting arrested, but he’s just a baby and doesn’t know any better. I’m excited to see him in Transformers because he’s as cute as a button. HUNK!

PUNK!

Perez Hilton is this week’s PUNK! He got in a fight with Will.I.Am and resorted to slapping and anti-gay slurs to get his point across. Perez has never been my favorite blogger, but degrading his own people (the gays) just to piss off Will.I.Am is lame. And so is following Lady Gaga around like a pet chihuahua. PUNK!

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My job is stressful, I live in a cluttered studio apartment, I’m always having drama with my boyfriend, and I feel socially obligated to hang out with my friends all the time, going out to drinks and movies and spending money I don’t have. How can I simplify things so my life is less chaotic?

Yours,

Stressed

Dear Stressed,

I find that when I’m freaking out about my life the best thing to do is to clean. If your personal space is clean, then you will be able to relax in it. Since the weather is warming up outside (finally…GO AWAY JUNE GLOOM!), now would be a good time to go through your wardrobe and your apartment and get rid of anything you don’t need or wear anymore. You can make a little cash for many of these items by taking them to Crossroads Trading Company or Out of the Closet. Personally, I like Out of the Closet because they donate their proceeds to AIDS research and health care. You’ll be surprised at how relaxed you’ll feel after you know that you’ve helped the world by donating your old clothes and housewares to a good cause (or gotten cash for them). Once you have gotten rid of EVERYTHING you possibly can get rid of, go to The Container Store to find ways to organize the items you have left so your apartment will look neat and tidy (also check out Ikea, they have tons of organizational ideas). I know this is starting to sound like a commercial, but I actually do love all these stores and think they can help you. In terms of friends and feeling like you have to hang out with them, you need to learn the power of pretending. Tell them your mom’s in town and you are going to dinner. And then stay in and watch a movie. Tell them you’re going out of town on business. And then stay inside and read a book. It sounds like you need a vacation from your friends, so take one! And as for the boyfriend with the drama, you need to ask yourself if you’re interested in the drama or him. But mostly, clean up your space and get organized. It will make your life feel WAY less chaotic. I promise. YAY!

Love,

Orlando

Liam Hemserth, co-star of Miley Cyrus’s upcoming film The Last Song, is this week’s HUNK. Apparently this dude used to be on the Australian soap opera Neighbours. Former stars of that show include: Kylie Minogue, Russell Crowe, Natalie Imbruglia, and Guy Pierce. Basically, Liam is going to be uberfamous after this Miley movie comes out next year because everyone else who has been on Neighbours has turned into an international superstar. HUNK!

PUNK!

John Gosselin, star of John and Kate Plus 8, is this week’s PUNK! He’s worse than Kate. At least she had the dignity to mutilate her body with plastic surgery so she’d be easier to look at. John, on the other hand, just wobbles around like Slimer from Ghostbusters, having affairs with younger women and riding on lawnmowers. This would all be fine if it weren’t for the fact that some day all those kids are going to have to look at all this coverage of their parents and see what jerks they were. PUNK!

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John Travolta stars in this movie about a crazy man who hijacks a New York City subway car. Denzel Washington plays some kind of city dispatcher who has to bargain with John Travolta. I kind of think this is what these two guys act like in real life. John’s all “give me millions of dollars” and Denzel’s like “Sir, calm down, I’m not giving you anything until I see a contract!” This movie looks mildly entertaining. Really mild. Like the kind of salsa made in… New York City!?! Sorry, I had to slip that in. Bottom line, if you’re a subway enthusiast or are just dying to John Travolta’s enormous chin-dimple, go see this film. Otherwise, save your dollars for the subway (Sidenote: Did you know that LA has a subway? And it’s gorgeous. Check it out!).

Grade: C+ Playing at  The Grove

Imagine That

This movie is about an adorable little girl that charms everyone by carrying around a blanket and being psychic. Her father is Eddie Murphy, a hardworking corporate executive of some sort that uses his daughter’s psychic powers for a good cause. And by “good cause” I mean to make millions of dollars for a giant corporation. Then they get rich and everyone is happy and there is a scene with fireworks and Eddie Murphy loves his daughter more because she helped him make so much money. At least that’s what I’m guessing happens. All in all, this movie actually looks like a fun, entertaining flick. Eddie is funny, the little girl is cute, and there are plenty of zany mishaps to make both adults and children laugh. EVERYONE WINS!

Grade: B+ | Playing at Mann Chinese Theatre

Moon

Imagine you were trapped on the moon and your only friend was a huge robot with a computerscreenface. Sounds pretty lame, right? That’s what makes this movie so scary. Anyone with overwhelming codependency issues (i.e. me) will find this film totally horrifying. I mean, dude’s up in space and he has no peeps whatsoever. Then he starts hallucinating and thinking there are all these other people on the moon with him. Or IS HE hallucinating? AHHHHHHH!

Grade: A- | Playing at Arclight

Food Inc

Do you find yourself constantly wanting to eat? Do you crave the delicious tenderness of gorgeous, plump, genetically modified chickens? Well, I do, which is why I need to watch this documentary about how all the food we eat is made of poison, sculpter’s clay, and hormone juice. Fast Food Nation author Eric Schlosser made this documentary to expose how disgusting all the food we consume is. He interviews all sorts of people including farmers with southern accents and farmers with southern accents. Then there are all sorts of shots inside supermarkets, where you can buy tons of food that will slowly kill you (Sidenote: have you ever tried to take a picture in a supermarket? They totally freak out. I have no idea how Schlosser got his cameras in there). I think everyone needs to see this movie. Then we can all be anorexic together. YAY!

Grade: A + | Playing at Landmark Nuark

This week’s HUNK is the rando hottie that showed up at George Bush’s birthday party in Maine last weekend. I have no idea why he was there or what he was doing posing in a teeny bikini next to Barb, but he’s totally hot. Normally I don’t see the Bush family as a wild, naked party, pool-loving kind of crew, but I’m impressed that they filled George Bush’s party with lots of hot ladies and men. Barbara’s man candy was obviously my favorite. HUNK!

PUNK!

I’d normally consider James Franco a HUNK. However, this week, he’s a PUNK! He was going to deliver the commencement address at UCLA until last week when he decided giving the speech would interfere with his filming schedule. While he was awesome in Milk and I think he’s totally dreamy, I have to side with UCLA on this one. UCLA has always held a special place in my heart, mainly because they were one of the only schools to actually accept me. Thus, I will always choose their side. Next time you bail on a commitment Franco, make sure to give more than, say, a week’s notice. PUNK!

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HOT!

This week’s HOT is Kathy Griffin. Her show My Life on the D-List had its season premier Monday night. I’m not sure what appeals to me about this woman. Perhaps it is her hair. I find myself staring at it, wondering where the actual human hair ends and the hair extensions begin (has anyone else noticed her hair is like 4 feet long?). Also, I have met the woman in real life and I can tell you she’s just as funny in person (and by “met” I mean one time I was sitting by a pool and she walked by with Paris Hilton). Quick witted, that one. If anyone deserves her own reality show, it’s Kathy Griffin. HOT!

LUKEWARM!

You know who doesn’t deserve her own reality show? Kendra Wilkinson! You remember her from The Girls Next Door? I must say that show was a guilty pleasure of mine. Now even though Kendra has absolutely nothing to bring to the table in terms of personality or wit, I must admit that it’s sort of impressive that she is genetically a human being but looks like a life-size Barbie made of plastic, gleaming white hair, and teeth made of Chicklets. Even if her laugh is irritating, just watching her bounce around the television screen is entertainment enough for me. No brain, but a great body… LUKEWARM!

NOT!

Hey, Denise Richards, guess what? It’s NOT complicated, you’re just lame. I watched you on Sunday, the season premier of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated and was totally grossed out. Now, I’ve watched seasons before and I have always been sort of confused about you. Part of me feels for you because of all you’ve gone through divorcing Charlie Sheen and losing your mom. But your personality is just kind of gross and stuck up. You’re totally full of yourself and also just not very friendly. Unlike Kendra, you live under the pretense that you offer something more than a pretty face to your audience, which is totally false. Being condescending and pompous is NOT hot!

This film appears to be relying entirely on Will Ferrel to prop it up, which is fine because he’s held up bad scripts before. He’s hilarious and can carry a film, but Land of the Lost looks a little lackluster. We’ve seen cheesy visual effects and humans interacting with dinosaurs before, so I’m not sure if this film brings anything new to the mix. Fans of the Land of the Lost televisions series (which I must confess I had never heard of before today) will probably like this movie for its references to the show. Unfortunately for me, I’ve never seen the show so I’m totally uninterested in the film. Except for the fact that Will Ferrell is in it…

Grade: B | Playing at Arclight

The Hangover

I didn’t expect to be into this movie, but the trailer made it look quite funny. It’s about a group of guys who go to Vegas to celebrate their bachelorhood before they get married. What follows is the worst hangover in the history of time. Essentially, this is the cinematic version of an “oh my god I was soooooo wasted” story that many of my alcoholic friends like to tell on Monday mornings. But there are enough random details (a tiger, a baby, Mike Tyson, etc.) that the audience is sure to be surprised and delighted a few times. Not a genius movie by any means, but wholly entertaining.

Grade: A- | Playing at Arclight

My Life in Ruins

Didn’t they make this movie already? And wasn’t it called Under the Tuscan Sun? And didn’t I totally hate that movie? Enough said?

Grade: D – | Playing at CityWalk

Away We Go

This movie looks a little slow and slightly obnoxious but it’s written by San Francisco literary darling Dave Eggers, who can do no wrong. The fact that Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski are cast members makes this movie very attractive to me. As does the fact that it seems to be making fun of crazy, overprotective parents (one is played brilliantly by Maggie Gyllenhaal). All in all, this movie seems enjoyable. It’s definitely not going to make you ROFL, or even LOL, but it could perhaps make you LALBENAT (Laugh A Little Bit Every Now And Then). Good enough for me… TTYL!

Grade: B+ | Playing at The Landmark

This week’s HOT is Vanessa Hudgens. Her reaction to the whole Bruno v. Eminem scandal on MTV was sort of priceless and adorable. She just sat there next to Zac Efron and was super excited and cute when he won, even though the man announcing that he’d won was suspended from the ceiling with no pants on.  She was definitely one of the best dressed at the MTV Movie Awards. I usually don’t go for such squeaky clean, All-American girls, but there’s a special place in my heart for Vanessa because she seems so genuinely friendly. HOT!

NOT!

Amy Winehouse is such an easy target, but I poke fun at her out of love. Firstly, she’s so talented that it angers me to see her abusing her body the way she does, reportedly drinking all day. She’s been given a tremendous gift, an amazing talent, and it bothers me to see her take it for granted. All you need to do is look at her to see she’s not at all healthy. What I find the most off-putting about her is her total lack of appreciation for all that she has and is. The only reason she’s NOT hot is that she’s NOT trying. Pull it together, girl!

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HUNK!

Will Ferrell, whose film Land of the Lost opens this week, is this week’s HUNK. I have always found him hilarious. Even if the script is boring and long-winded (like Elf), he still pulls it off. His mannerisms and sensibility are what make him so humorous. He recently introduced a line of sunscreen for men to raise money for a charity, which I think it pretty awesome. And who could forget his hilarious Landlord video from last year? Totally funny. HUNK!

PUNK!

Shut up, Joe Jonas! The  “Single Ladies” video you released this week is hilarious! Or it would have been if you had released it last year before Justin Timberlake did that SNL skit. Now it’s just a tired joke. I’m bored with that song and I’m tired of men in leotards dancing to it and expecting me to laugh. You are not funny, PUNK!

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I am quite excited for this film and I am not entirely sure why. I guess the central image of a house floating underneath a huge bunch of balloons is pretty enticing. It seems like Pixar can do no wrong so I am confident that this movie will be thoroughly enjoyable. The premise of the film is that an old man/balloon salesmen takes off on an around-the-world adventure, only to find out an annoying little kid is stowed away on his front porch. I’m assuming what follows is a bunch of funny/exciting twists and turns that the whole family will enjoy. And because it’s Pixar it’s bound to beautifully animated and have some sort of secret message about diversity/acceptance. Delightful!

Grade: A | Playing at The El Capitan

Drag Me to Hell

I hate previews like this one because they always make me feel like a terrifying ghost is standing behind me waiting to murder me. This movie is about a nice lady who works as a loan officer who is forced to tell a borrower that her home is going into foreclosure. The foreclosed upon woman then proceeds to turn into Satan and chases the loan officer around for the rest of the movie. What a timely movie, right? Poor loan officers, it sucks to be you right now. This movie looks totally terrifying, mainly because it looks like it could be a documentary. Scary times we live in.

Grade: A | Playing at Arclight

What Goes Up

Hillary Duff AND Molly Shannon?!? Enough said, this is already my favorite movie of the year. This film centers around a news reporter chosen to write about a deceased professor of some sort. The newsdude goes the college where the professor taught and interviews his students, some of whom are awesome nerds with frizzy hair. Hillary Duff plays some sort of young starlet. If you, like me, are fascinated with Hillary Duff, you have to see this movie. And if you enjoyed Molly Shannon in ‘The Year of the Dog,’ you’ll enjoy her playing a similarly shy/awkward character. With all its star power, the film seems like it could be a little slow, but not ruinously so.

Grade: B+ | Playing at Laemmle Sunset 5