By Sarah Carroll
The people have spoken!
You want a Booker Bachelorette recap? You’re gonna get a Booker Bachelorette recap!
Season 12 kicked off last night in grand fashion. The lovely JoJo was accosted by 26 men last night, but only 21 would sail on through to the next week.
“Who’s got the right mojo for JoJo?” Booker began.
The 25-year-old was chosen to star this season after Bachelor Ben said ‘I love you’ and THEN straight up dumped her! Rude!
Booker got right down to business and introduced us to JoJo’s best and worst prospects on this “meat shack of a show.”
The number of bad puns and pick up lines thrown around last night were enough to make any sane person run away, but JoJo hung in there like an old pro. Here are some of the highlights:
Nick B., 33
Nick arrived dressed up as Santa Claus, which is what everyone totally does when they want to make a good first impression, right? But he was actually a “pretty good-looking guy,” according to Booker. “He has a shot.”
Booker told us to keep our eye on Jake, a landscape architect. “20-to-one, he mows grass! Give me a break!”
This Texan who literally rode in on a horse has a “definite shot.”
Booker described him as a “creepy erectile dysfunction specialist who’s like a slimy version of Chris Hardwick.” And after checking out his headshot, we totally get it!
“He got a rose, I don’t know how.”
James Taylor, 29
He looked totally normal until we realized he plays guitar…you know, like that OTHER James Taylor.
James S., 27
James’ occupation is listed as Bachelorette super-fan. Yup, apparently that’s a thing!
“That made me realize how creepy girls must think I am for watching this dumpster dive of a show!” Booker admitted.
This Canadian decided to drop trou and go swimming after having a few too many cocktails.
“The guy gives me the Jeffrey Dahmer vibe, but yet [he] still got a rose.”
The luxury real estate agent shot straight to the top of our bracket thanks to his rugged good looks. But according to Booker, Chad is totally giving off that Making A Murderer vibe.
“This guy is the incredible Hulk,” Booker said.
Wells is a radio DJ who describes himself as a “party starter.” Oh dear.
He pulled off one of the more entertaining stunts last night, inviting the 90s group All-4-One onto the show to serenade JoJo with their hit song, “I Swear.”
“Sparky came prepared,” said Booker. “He had a plan for his first impression.”
Jordan seems to be the odd-on favorite to win JoJo’s heart. He’s an ex-NFL player and just so happens to be the brother of current NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers.
He easily won Monday’s First Impression Rose, but Booker falling for him quite yet.
“He’s a smooth operator,” Booker warned. “Ladies, if you’re listening, this is the kind of guy you hook up with, this is not the guy you marry. Okay? He will bang your bridesmaids! So, stay away from this guy.”
JoJo had to cut five of the men from the competition and unfortunately, it was the end of the road for Jon, Jake, Sal, Coley, and Peter.
Booker shared a bit of advice for the rest of the man-testants left remaining after Week #1.
“There were a lot of touchy guys on the show. A lot of back-petting, knee-touching, hair-fondling. I think that’s kind of a sign of a dirt bag on a first date. You shouldn’t touch someone on a first date, even on a reality show!”
And another pro-tip for all you out there looking to settle down with a classy gentleman?
“A lot of guys squint when you’re talking to them. If they’re squinting, they’re pretending to be serious. I just want to tell you they’re just dumb. When a guy squints, he’s trying to process your words, so keep an eye out on that.”
So, there you have it! Join Carson and Booker every Tuesday at 8:10am for the latest Bachelorette Breakdown. And make sure to find Booker on Twitter (@ChrisBooker) to follow along with his Bachelorette live-tweets every Monday night!