Snap Judgment! This Weekend at the Movies
Orlando

Our blogger, Orlando — of Dear Orlando fame — reviews recent and upcoming film releases without even watching the movie. All reviews are utterly inaccurate and 100% entertaining. Listen to him, or don’t. Your call.

Watchmen
Judging by the preview, this is the best movie of the year. The preview makes it look like a combination of a tranny fashion show, psychedelic 90z rave-party, and the original Batman movie starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. I’m basing my interest in this movie on the color scheme and that fact that it seems to be filled with strange, glow in the dark men and out-of-control costumes. I have the feeling the plot goes something like this: at first, everything is fine, then the main character turns into an alien or a robot or something. Then all sorts of aircraft start blowing things up and hot chicks start making out with the glow-in-the dark buff alien guys. Then they save America and everyone is happy and it’s secretly a metaphor for the current financial crisis. In short, lot’s of stuff blows up and it’s computer generated, over saturated eye candy.

Playing at: Arclight, The Grove

Verdict: Rad!

Confessions of a Shopaholic
This movie looks totally stopud. It’s about a girl who racks up a lot of debt by buying Gucci with her credit card and then gets a job at a savings magazine and somehow works her way out of debt from working there. Sidenote: entry-level magazine jobs don’t really pay much, so no one in the real world would be able to pay off any credit card debt by working in one. Moviemakers need to stop making movies about people who work at magazines because they’re totally off base and the print media is slowly dying and a lot less glamorous than it is on Ugly Betty. Sorry. Anyway, the clothes look fun and all, but this movie looks like a loser.

Verdict: Gag me with a spoon!

Playing at: The Grove, AMC Century City

Friday the 13th
I’m totally all about remakes of movies, especially ones made within the last 29 years. Thus, I think this movie seems great. [Sidenote: I feel like it's time for a 'Mean Girls' remake starring Ali Lohan and Hannah Montana]. This movie was clearly released just before Valentines day because so that couples would grab each other during the scary parts and maybe that would lead to more intimacy in their relationships. I’m pretty sure it’s the same movie as the original one except with actors in 2009 clothes instead of 80z clothes. But whatever, you go to those movies because you wanna see the mask dude chase around cute jocks and pretty cheerleaders with sharp objects. Fun for the whole family!

Verdict: Doable

Playing at: Mann Chinese, The Grove

Coraline
When I was little, I was totally terrified by the Disney movie “Alice in Wonderland.” Sure, it was full of cute characters, but there were all sorts of creepy things happening everything was a little too psychedelic. That’s sort of how I felt after watching the preview for “Coraline.” The movie looks totally creepy and not for children. But unlike “Alice in Wonderland,” it looks good creepy, not bad creepy. I wouldn’t take my 8 year old sister to see it, but it looks like something I would enjoy. My favorite part is that Teri Hatcher plays an evil mom and I have a sneaking suspicion that she is an evil mom in real life, too. Fun for the whole family (except anyone under age 20)!

Verdict: Rad

Playing at: Arclight