Snap Judgement! This Weekend at The Movies
Orlando

Our blogger, Orlando — of Dear Orlando fame — reviews recent and upcoming film releases without even watching the movie. All reviews are utterly inaccurate and 100% entertaining. Listen to him, or don’t. Your call.

Jonas Brothers The 3-D Movie Experience
I don’t think I know any Jonas Brothers songs or much about them besides that they are goodie 2 shoez and they each have their own unique hairstyle, but this movie looks totally amazing. I mean, what’s more fun than screaming teenage girls and pop stars in pink t-shirts? I have no idea why they found it necessary to make this movie 3-D… maybe to make up for the one-dimensional personalities of its subjects? In any case, this movie looks like a winner.

Verdict: Rad

Playing at: The Grove, and elsewhere

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Fired Up
Wow. This is clearly the stupidest movie since the last one of these stupid movies came out. I mean, after ‘Bring It On’ did they really have to make another movie about high school students getting out their totally psychotic inner rage by participating in cheerleading? I mean, I can see the appeal of using cheerleading as a backdrop. It’s totally awesome and the outfits are cute. I get it. But I can already tell how this movie is going to play out:

1. Horny male high school students played by 30 year olds.
2. Flawless white chicks with a totally unrealistic ability to come up with really witty comebacks in .3 seconds.
3. Horny conflict.
4. Gay innuendo.
5. Gay joke.
6. Down to earth brunette girl.
7. The 30 year old dudes actually get into cheerleading.
8. One of the guys hooks up with the brunette girl and everyone is happy and they play a song from 5 years ago that we’re supposed to think represents what it is to be young and hip.
9. The end.

All that being said I think this said I would totally go see this movie. I hate myself.

Verdict: Doable.

Playing at: Mann’s Chinese Theatre, and elsewhere

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Two Lovers
I started to watch this trailer and then I got bored and my eyes started trailing off. I have the feeling that if I went to the movies the same thing would happen. I mean, it’s fun seeing Joaquin Phoenix clean shaven and all cute and stuff, but the whole concept of this movie seems a little blah. I have this weird feeling that Gwynneth Paltrow is an alien. She’s so perfect she just sticks out in every movie. Judging by the subway signs, this movie takes place in New York City. I can’t imagine Ms. Paltrow walking around in New York and taking the subway. She could get dirty, right? Anyway, the premise of this movie seems boring and unbelievable. Movie synopsis: “I’m gorgeous, you’re gorgeous, but I don’t know if I love you!” Blah, blah, blah. I sort of don’t care.

Verdict: Lame.

Playing at: Laemmle Sunset 5, and elsewhere

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He’s Just Not That Into You
I must admit that I wanted to hate this movie, but it looks amazing. First of all, EVERYONE is in it. Scarlett, Jennifer, Jennifer, Drew, Hot Blond Guy, Ben, and that chick from Big Love. Second, it looks really funny. While I never read the book this film is based upon, I think I have a good idea what it’s about. Story of my life! He’s not calling, he’s not marrying you, he’s just not that into you. YAY! Oh wait that sucks… I hope this film’s ending involves a hunk, a glass of champagne, and some sort of chocolate cake. That would make the semi-depressing premise of the movie a bit easier to digest.

Verdict: Rad

Playing at: Arclight Hollywood, and elsewhere